How can one being, one person, one 20 year old, mere weeks from the age of 21, have so much anguish, so much sorrow, so much hatred, anger, fear, and painbuilt inside of him? How can someone like this go on in their current state of mind? How can someone like this bear to trust anyone outside of himself and the one he wishes to spend his life with? After so many people have turned backs on him, and so many the same stabbed him in the back, betraying his trust like its just a game in a childs playground, only to expect him to forgive and forget. Even after it has been done to him so many times over his years.
How does someone in this current state bear with himself? How can so many people try to say they understand, when they dont? When they have no idea the pain he feels each day, each breath a labored inhale of the bitter world around him. When everyone expects him to go on in complete ignorant bliss of all that he has endured. Best friend betrayed him. Lied to him. Walked away. Never tried to keep the bond he thought would surpass distances. Lovers lost, lives torn, regrets piled up so high he cannot even see glimpse of the sun and sky above.
How can I move forward in life, when no one seems to understand, or care to try to better understand how I feel. Why I feel how I do. Why I think how I do. Why I try to cover every track I leave. Why I am so observant to every aspect around me, and why I always have an exit to every situation. Why I never leave my well being in the hands of another.
Until you. Until I put my happiness into your hands, and gave you everything I am and have. Only to have it torn from me, over and over. The wound sewn shut, scarred over, healed, the wrenched open again. Then again mended. Belief and hope spring back into my life, only to have dread creep its way back into my mind. The dread of the one thing that I know could destroy me for good. No matter what i do to try to control every aspect of it to keep my self safe from the torment that terrifies me more than death itself, the one thing I can never control is you. Even as you control me. I am not proud that I, someone who was so strong on my own, never truly dependent on another, have become dependent on another. The fear of losing that, is the greatest I have ever felt. To know that no matter what I do, you have you free will to do what you wish, no matter how it would hurt me, tear me to shreds, and destroy me. You are a free person of your own will, whether I will you to do as I wish or not. I have always wanted a true “you and me, against the world” with no one else involved. Just the two of us. No outside interference. Nothing to come between us, but I guess that is just too much to ask.
Everything in my life is expendable. I have made it so, intentionally. There are few I would hate to say goodbye to, but i could nonetheless. Everyone but you. I could drop everyone, and everything without hesitation, but could never expect that of you. You are too attached to the world and people around you. Unlike me. Everything is expendable. Everyone is expendable. I have learned that people come, and most will go. Few stay, and fewer of those who stay, stay for you. Its best to be able to say goodbye sooner, than have to hear it later.